I’m a Survivor of Sexual Abuse
During my path to spiritual awareness, I became more aware of the levels of abuse in which many healers undergo during this lifetime. Healing is a lifelong process, as we grow and develop, embrace, and move past the old wounds that have scarred over. I for one learned that I was abused during a hypnotherapy session, and during an encounter with spirit in a reading, I had with another medium. My full awareness kicked in, and all the things that I had blocked or at least tried to block out of my mind, emerged to the service, and I experienced a shitty yet enlightening few months, as I tried to navigate the horrible feelings of neglect and anger, I had endured. For years I always suspected that I was abused, but I never had a way of proving it because I was such a small child. As a teenager, I was emotionally repressed as my abuser was an authoritarian and continued to abuse other family members in different ways. Unfortunately, I was the only person who accepted the fact that this abuse was unnatural, unkind, and pushed myself to escape from my personal situation no matter the cost. On the surface, things looked fine and well, as no one saw what lied beneath the shiny pebbles.
Abuse of any form is a difficult road to navigate, but there are a few things I have learned about this type of situation. I learned how to forgive and love myself and put myself first in life. I have also learned that although it is extremely difficult confronting abuse, the abuser is also repeatedly suffering a trauma that clearly, they have lost control of within their own life. I have also learned to forgive others in my life who dismissed the fact that I was abused when I stepped forward about it. It can be a hard pill to swallow, but I now recognize why I had so many different childhood illnesses, ulcers, stress outbreaks, stress-induced seizures, misdiagnosis of physical conditions and diseases, as my emotional body had been holding on to so much negative energy and tension. Prayer did not work for me, nor did being baptized five different times in different churches. Religion did not help me heal, it only made me question more about why this happened to me, and where was this Christian “God” I had heard so much about.
There were many gray areas in my life. I spent most of my twenties working multiple jobs, and I was a functioning closet alcoholic until I reached my mid-thirties. I successfully attempted to attend, and complete college coursework and enjoyed binge drinking to the point of blacking out on the weekends. My early thirties were a blur, as I spent much time traveling for work as a form of escapism, and relentlessly avoiding all the psychic hits, thoughts, voices, and feelings I would receive. I clouded my brain with anything imaginable to stop the empathic feelings, one shot glass at a time. At one point I remember crying out to God and asking him why my life was so fucked up. That is when the deeper healing began.
I started meditating and it became an obsession, I experimented with different healing modalities. I literally had sound healing, behavioral health therapy, life coaching, hypnotherapy, chiropractic therapy, reflexology, homeopathic therapies, crystal healing, reiki healing, essential oil healing, deep tissue massage therapy, past life regression healing, readings with other mediums, angelic attunement sessions, fractal life composure sessions, forest bathing, and the list goes on. In addition, I also became more in tune with my artistic nature, and my love for painting and photography reemerged. This also opened an avenue for creative writing and blogging about my own experiences.
I went on a serious spiritual quest for healing and I was not satisfied until I knew I had done the utmost absolute best forms of healing possible, but that still did not fix me. I worked on speaking to my inner child, talking to my higher self, allowing my emotional body to release. I asked myself what it truly was that I needed to do in order to navigate myself in an upward motion, and eventually it was revealed to me. I needed to forgive myself and just release all the shit I had been carrying around for the past three decades. It is the hardest thing to do in the world! I stopped blaming others, and I took responsibility for myself.
When I started looking at this experience with a different set of eyes. I analyzed what it was that happened, and how I grew from that situation. How I navigated through illness, life, and death, how I gathered strength and courage to fight my way through the battle, and how I allowed myself to live, as my authentic self in peace. I learned to “accept the things I could not change, and to change the things I could”. The things that happened to me in the past ceased to define who I am at this current moment. I learned to fully Love myself and understand that I to was worthy of being loved by others. I did not allow my abuse to defeat me or to define me, as I’m no longer a victim, I’m a Survivor.